Introduction & Best Friends

Today, I discovered that a good friend of mine started a blog, so I decided I'd try to start one too!

Hi, my name is Gina, I'm a social science education major and am a complete political and historical nerd :) I am going to be a high school history/social studies teacher after I get my degree in a few years, but also foresee a career in politics in my future. We'll see what happens!

Anyway, I'm starting this blog to get my thoughts down better. Because I am not just an education major, but a social science education major, I'm basically double-majoring and my workload drove me to the point of insanity last semester with a promise to do the same throughout this spring semester. Due to this amount of insane amounts of homework, reading, planning, working, brainstorming, and doing anything but sleeping, some of my posts could be completely random, or I honestly might have few, if any, posts at all until May. Again, we'll see how it goes.

I'm actually not 100% sure why I'm starting this blog. Maybe it's just to get my thoughts down, maybe it's my own little way to educate people who stumble upon it on the internet until I get to be a teacher. Maybe I just need time to write every now and then. Maybe one of my experiences or thoughts will make you think or help you with your life. That's my hope.

Today's topic is: Best friends.
I consider myself to be a pretty likeable person. The students I tutor seem to like me and gave me great reviews when I was their SI leader last semester (I lead supplemental instruction for an intro to government & politics class). In fact, since I've gotten to college in particular it has seemed like people are drawn to me. People I don't even know tend to know my name because of how involved I am. Even at a new school in a different state, I have easily been able to make a name for myself. I just love people! People rock! But lately it has occurred to me how rare it is for me to keep someone as a best friend for more than a few years. Let's look at the past:
(I've changed names for their privacy)
Pre-School: My 'best friend' and I went to different schools.
First Grade: I had two best friends, Jessie and Mark. They both transferred schools the next year, though I ended up going to high school with Mark and we've remained good friends.
Second Grade: I made two new best friends, Ashley and Joe. Ashley and I remained best friends until we later went to different high schools, and we kind of lost touch though we went to each others' graduation parties and are friends on facebook. Joe is one of those friends who also draws people to him. We've been friends since kindergarten and don't see each other a whole lot, but he has probably been my friend the longest outside of family. We have kept in touch through mutual friend group and youth group.
Freshman year: I tried to branch out a little to get away from some bullying in middle school. Left my group of friends to get to know more people. Because of this, I got to know and be friends with almost my entire grade but didn't really have a group of friends until I went back to my true group of friends sophomore year. My best friend this year was Michelle. We bonded as cheerleaders and a class we had together. She had the same passion for musical theater as I did and we always had a blast together. But then we didn't have classes together anymore and just didn't really see each other anymore. Then she transferred schools and got kinda wacky so I haven't heard from her in quite awhile and don't expect to anytime soon.
Sophomore year: By the way, when I say best friend I'm talking about people I can really be comfortable around and mutually enjoyed spending time with each other. This year was Amanda. Our friendship literally started when I got bored and told someone to text me via my facebook status. She texted me and then we started talking non-stop. I guess we kinda drifted apart after I dated a guy we both knew. I was going back to the group of friends that I now hold dear to me and regret ever leaving. She kinda joined the group later, but yeah, drifted after high school.
Junior Year: I have absolutely NO idea how I became friends with her, but this is the year I became friends with Tiffany. Seriously, we were always together. This friendship lasted through my freshman year of college, and kinda started to fade as I got busier and more involved at Northwest. We told each other everything and she is one of the few people I've been able to have long conversations with on the phone (I'm more of a texting person-I need emoticons or some form of expression to help me communicate). The fact that we were able to keep talking in different states was pretty impressive and shows how awesome our friendship was. We talked a bit over the summer, but then she deactivated her facebook, hasn't responded to my texts and I honestly have no idea what college she goes to. If our paths cross again, I'm sure we'll join back right where we left. But for now, I'm completely in the dark.

Now we get to college. I've heard that you change your group of friends every 7 years. I hate that. I absolutely love having someone to confide in, someone to listen to my problems, to let me cry on their shoulder or rant to, to have a buddy come get lunch with or go to a concert with. I always try to do the same for them. At Northwest, I've got six people I would probably consider to be best friends, or just people to have my back at all times. At the beginning of the semester I had two people I considered to be my absolute best friends. The shaky relationship with both of these people was the main reason why this semester stressed me out. On top of the workload and lack of sleep and constant sickness, I was battling emotions that I was losing them. I feel like I've been replaced, and I absolutely hate that. I'm a very independent person, but occassionally I need help. If I'm sick, procrastinating, or just can't focus because something is deeply troubling, I need people there to help me. With the falling back of some people I thought were my best friends, others have emerged to take their place. This always seems to be the case, which is good because my greatest fear is to be unloved and all alone. It's also bad, though, because I love people and hate that a person who was always there for me can suddenly drop out of my life indefinitely. I'm so afraid that eventually someone won't have my back. This is why I need reassurance that I'm important to people. When I don't get invited to things or I am ignored whenever I try to talk, I feel completely unimportant. Like I don't matter. Like people are getting bored with me. Is that why so many of the people I've considered to be close friends have dropped out of my life? Am I boring after awhile? Is it because I'm constantly thinking about history or politics? I know a lot of people don't particularly enjoy those subjects, but I try to withold myself from talking about it too much, especially with people who could care less. I don't know. Sometimes I feel clingy when I try to ask someone if they still consider me their best friend. Most people don't really think about it that often and are like, "Yeah, why wouldn't you be?" so I try to use little psychological tricks to figure it out, and that usually helps but I sometimes just need a straight-out answer. I'm sorry if I ever appear clingy to anyone, but I treasure each friendship I have and am terrified that I may not see you again after college (who knows where we're all going to end up or if you'll remember my name in five years, you know?). I try to enjoy each moment to the fullest. My friends and family mean everything to me. That's why this is so hard.

I don't know what else I need to say in this post, maybe writing this will help me become less terrified that I'll lose a friend. I know I'm busy and most of my friends are the same way. I think I've become a lot more chill with the fact that my friends at college are busy during breaks and my high school friends are busy during school. I'm getting better. It's a goal of mine in 2013 to worry less, hopefully I can do it! :) Have a lovely rest of your night!