Long time no talk, I hear ya!
I just needed to post something that's really been on my mind lately. Death and fear. I'm only twenty years old, so why on earth has this been weighing on my mind? Several reasons.
At camp this year I had this weird thought pop into my head that I would not attend camp next year because I would die. I pushed that thought away, I was that little kid who would go down and tell my parents I couldn't sleep because I was afraid I'd fall asleep and never wake up.
This semester has been filled with death. One of my good friends' friend committed suicide, which was a reminder for me to treasure the wonderful friends and family I have in my life because life is precious. But then an alumni of our alumni center died. The second person to die so young, I never found out exactly why he died but I saw a post about how the EMT thought it was a pulmonary embolism. After doing some research, I found out that sometimes young people get blood clots particularly in their legs and die suddenly unless they get medical attention immediately. I sang at a funeral for a young man last summer who died of a blood clot in his leg. Connecting the dots, I became very fearful that I would die from a pulmonary embolism because I am currently on a birth control shot, which ups your chances of a blood clot and have heart history in the family.
My baby cousin was born with CDH (congenital diaphramatic hernia) which means her body did not develop correctly in the womb. She died after 51 minutes and though I prayed three novenas for her life, she did not make it. My prayer for a miracle did come true however, because she lived in pure love for 51 minutes and was able to cry out, which the doctors did not predict she could do. I turned to God after this and thought God, why would you take such a young life?
Then I found out a friend from camp had been fighting brain cancer for the past three years and had just decided to end his treatments because they found tumors in areas of his brain they already radiated. He's only 17, but he's so strong. Although he is coming to the end of his life (he's in hospice now), I've been keeping up with the blog his mom and dad post on. They've shared so many stories of letters they've received from people about how their son has inspired and influenced people. He has such a strong relationship with God, it inspires me as well.
So basically I've been thinking a lot about that thought that entered my head at camp. It popped in my head during a time I was with God, making me think it was a message from Him. All the stress from fear of the pulmonary embolism combined with school and work and general activities I'm involved in has made me sick for the past month. Sore throat, cough, lost my voice for a week. Then I had chest pain like I'd never experienced a few weeks ago. After doing research online (never do that, it'll terrify you), I immediately scheduled an appointment with our wellness center on campus. They gave me motrine and told me to keep a symptom log. I have recently been out of breath, nauseous, had several headaches, off-balance, and lots of dizziness. After talking to my dad, however, he let me know that I probably had an ear infection.
My brain, however, has gone with the whole "Let's freak our body out as much as possible." My arms and legs and back often hurt because I have been involved in many sports throughout the years, but my brain tricks me into thinking my leg or something hurts, then I'll google pulmonary embolism and it says the calf hurting is a sign of it, I think "Crap! My calf hurts! I need to go to the ER!" But it's in my head. I went to a real doctor over Thanksgiving break and he, like the wellness center people, told me my heart and lungs sound fine and that I have symptoms of a viral thing that's going around. He thinks it's stress-based. While I haven't been extremely stressed about schoolwork or anything this semester, the whole fear of dying thing has definitely stressed me out and made me anxious. Some nights I fear I won't wake up. The thought of losing the people who mean the most to me (which stemmed from the friend who's friend committed suicide) or the thought of the people who love me losing me suddenly terrifies me. This is where my stress is.
I tried to relax over the few days at home I had. Played video games, watched TV, just ignored schoolwork as best as I can (I have trouble being lazy, I just have to do something after a day or two!). The dizziness has gone away, but the headaches and some heart pain remain. I've also had a stomach ache a bit the past few days. My dad said something about how he thinks my problems are psychologically-based, which has made me think that I should go to the counselor at school to see if they have any ideas.
Over break with my relaxing, I had lots of time to think. I stopped and asked myself why would a random thought in my head be foreshadowing of the future? Why would God send me a message that made me stressed to the point of sickness and pain? God doesn't want me to suffer. While I am happy to be with Him someday in Heaven, I'm only twenty and am not ready for that yet. I confessed my freak out of symptoms connecting to death to my dad but not the random thought from camp, and he reminded me that I'm young and healthy. He recommended I start running or exercising so I have another thing to back me up in my head so I can remind myself that I'm healthy. I think I'll start that over Christmas break. Finals are coming up and I simply do not have time among all the papers and tests and presentations.
I have come to the conclusion that I need to talk to a priest about the random thought, he is the best one to reassure me that I'm fine. I think the main problem is that I have not given God enough of my time. He gives me strength, He has neverending peace that He offers me if only I take it. I think God is the ultimate answer to my problem, as He always is, it seems, in any situation. I have a "thoughts of Advent" book for the season of Advent, which starts tomorrow. Hopefully this will help me get back to Him who gives me strength. I still go to church every Sunday, but haven't felt that strong personal connection in awhile. Advent comes at a perfect time, right when I'm ready for Jesus's birth in 26 days on Christmas Day. It's time to be tough again.
Life is short, smile at every chance you get, enjoy the little things, and dance like God is your audience. :)
