Tough

Long time no talk, I hear ya!

I just needed to post something that's really been on my mind lately. Death and fear. I'm only twenty years old, so why on earth has this been weighing on my mind? Several reasons.

At camp this year I had this weird thought pop into my head that I would not attend camp next year because I would die. I pushed that thought away, I was that little kid who would go down and tell my parents I couldn't sleep because I was afraid I'd fall asleep and never wake up.

This semester has been filled with death. One of my good friends' friend committed suicide, which was a reminder for me to treasure the wonderful friends and family I have in my life because life is precious. But then an alumni of our alumni center died. The second person to die so young, I never found out exactly why he died but I saw a post about how the EMT thought it was a pulmonary embolism. After doing some research, I found out that sometimes young people get blood clots particularly in their legs and die suddenly unless they get medical attention immediately. I sang at a funeral for a young man last summer who died of a blood clot in his leg. Connecting the dots, I became very fearful that I would die from a pulmonary embolism because I am currently on a birth control shot, which ups your chances of a blood clot and have heart history in the family.

My baby cousin was born with CDH (congenital diaphramatic hernia) which means her body did not develop correctly in the womb. She died after 51 minutes and though I prayed three novenas for her life, she did not make it. My prayer for a miracle did come true however, because she lived in pure love for 51 minutes and was able to cry out, which the doctors did not predict she could do. I turned to God after this and thought God, why would you take such a young life?

Then I found out a friend from camp had been fighting brain cancer for the past three years and had just decided to end his treatments because they found tumors in areas of his brain they already radiated. He's only 17, but he's so strong. Although he is coming to the end of his life (he's in hospice now), I've been keeping up with the blog his mom and dad post on. They've shared so many stories of letters they've received from people about how their son has inspired and influenced people. He has such a strong relationship with God, it inspires me as well.

So basically I've been thinking a lot about that thought that entered my head at camp. It popped in my head during a time I was with God, making me think it was a message from Him. All the stress from fear of the pulmonary embolism combined with school and work and general activities I'm involved in has made me sick for the past month. Sore throat, cough, lost my voice for a week. Then I had chest pain like I'd never experienced a few weeks ago. After doing research online (never do that, it'll terrify you), I immediately scheduled an appointment with our wellness center on campus. They gave me motrine and told me to keep a symptom log. I have recently been out of breath, nauseous, had several headaches, off-balance, and lots of dizziness. After talking to my dad, however, he let me know that I probably had an ear infection.

My brain, however, has gone with the whole "Let's freak our body out as much as possible." My arms and legs and back often hurt because I have been involved in many sports throughout the years, but my brain tricks me into thinking my leg or something hurts, then I'll google pulmonary embolism and it says the calf hurting is a sign of it, I think "Crap! My calf hurts! I need to go to the ER!" But it's in my head. I went to a real doctor over Thanksgiving break and he, like the wellness center people, told me my heart and lungs sound fine and that I have symptoms of a viral thing that's going around. He thinks it's stress-based. While I haven't been extremely stressed about schoolwork or anything this semester, the whole fear of dying thing has definitely stressed me out and made me anxious. Some nights I fear I won't wake up. The thought of losing the people who mean the most to me (which stemmed from the friend who's friend committed suicide) or the thought of the people who love me losing me suddenly terrifies me. This is where my stress is.

I tried to relax over the few days at home I had. Played video games, watched TV, just ignored schoolwork as best as I can (I have trouble being lazy, I just have to do something after a day or two!). The dizziness has gone away, but the headaches and some heart pain remain. I've also had a stomach ache a bit the past few days. My dad said something about how he thinks my problems are psychologically-based, which has made me think that I should go to the counselor at school to see if they have any ideas.

Over break with my relaxing, I had lots of time to think. I stopped and asked myself why would a random thought in my head be foreshadowing of the future? Why would God send me a message that made me stressed to the point of sickness and pain? God doesn't want me to suffer. While I am happy to be with Him someday in Heaven, I'm only twenty and am not ready for that yet. I confessed my freak out of symptoms connecting to death to my dad but not the random thought from camp, and he reminded me that I'm young and healthy. He recommended I start running or exercising so I have another thing to back me up in my head so I can remind myself that I'm healthy. I think I'll start that over Christmas break. Finals are coming up and I simply do not have time among all the papers and tests and presentations.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to talk to a priest about the random thought, he is the best one to reassure me that I'm fine. I think the main problem is that I have not given God enough of my time. He gives me strength, He has neverending peace that He offers me if only I take it. I think God is the ultimate answer to my problem, as He always is, it seems, in any situation. I have a "thoughts of Advent" book for the season of Advent, which starts tomorrow. Hopefully this will help me get back to Him who gives me strength. I still go to church every Sunday, but haven't felt that strong personal connection in awhile. Advent comes at a perfect time, right when I'm ready for Jesus's birth in 26 days on Christmas Day. It's time to be tough again.

Life is short, smile at every chance you get, enjoy the little things, and dance like God is your audience. :)

Home

What is a home? Some say "A house is not a home", and others say "Home is where the heart is". Is a home truly not where you're at, but who you're with that's important?

This is something I've thought a lot about since coming to college. Spending the majority of my past two years a little more than two and a half hours away from the place I lived in for 18 years of my life will do that do you. In the past few years, I've learned that I am extremely good at adapting to change. I typically make friends quickly and fit in among groups of my peers. I get involved and am charismatic, so that happens.

But the question is-what is a home? I am blessed to have an amazing group of friends down in Maryville. Between the members of clubs like ASL club, history club, friends who share my faith at the Newman Center, my brothers in Kappa Kappa Psi, the wonderful people in my building, or my co-workers in the TDC, I know I've always got a friend I can depend on when I need someone. I have no doubts that I fit in down here and that my happiest moments are genuine with these wonderful people. But then again, my friends back in high school also make me happy. Although I am pretty much the only person from my high school at Northwest, with most of my friends staying in Iowa and others going to states elsewhere, I still connect with them when I'm home. I wish I could communicate better with them, but I am an in-person person so I have to depend on re-connecting in person over breaks.

Anyway, my home at HOME with my family is going to change soon. A few friends of mine came home with me back in January to go to Winter Jam and it occurred to my parents that we didn't really have a place for guests to stay. Our house isn't that big, so when we have friends over we usually all just set up some blow-up mattresses and sleeping bags in the basement. Although my friends coming did not completely cause my parent's decision to move, but it was a contributing factor.
So we're moving. Big whoop, right? Tons of people have moved before. Military families, people who move for better opportunities, moving closer to families, etc. It's not a new thing, and I hate to complain when others have had to move several times throughout their life and had trouble making friends. I know a lot of people like that, and I apologize if you think I'm a wimp for writing this. But I have never lived in any other house but this one. I was born almost 20 years ago and then BOOM! Here's my house. Share a room with my sisters, movie nights in the basement, use the computer in the "computer room", it's always been this way. I grew up in this house and it is the house I refer to as home when I come back from college on breaks.

Now we're moving. Each time I come home, something is different. My room went from purple to white. All the stickers are off my door. Our front door is now blue rather than red. All our VHS's are in storage, as well as our old couch and other things. Usually over breaks, my parents give me chores to do and this week, Spring Break, I'm in charge of deciding what I want to keep and what I want to throw away. Everything else goes into boxes for storage. I guess it's easier, then, for my family to do this whole "sell our house" thing when my older sister and I are away at college. They don't have to worry about us making rooms messy or getting more stuff to bring home.

It's so weird, though, because I'm moving into the Guadelupe House with some of the other girls on the leadership team for the Newman Center in May. There's so much space there, I'm trying to figure out all the stuff I'll need to get and when I can move. At the same time, my family is trying to buy less stuff so we don't have to store it. I will essentially be moving into one house in May, and another house in June. If I have to be completely honest, I don't like it. It's cool that we're fixing up our house, but seeing boxes everywhere is depressing. This is supposed to be my home. I'm supposed to share memories with my future children about this place. My mom's parents did the same thing, moving to a new house after she and her siblings moved out. She has no memories in their current house, making me wonder if that has anything to do with her decision. I don't know, the pictures of houses she likes so far have looked pretty nice. Bedrooms for all of us, nicer kitchen and more space, I would be lying if I didn't say it sounds nice.

I think the main point is that the whole decision to move caught me off-guard. Did I think it was awesome when my parents told me we'd move before I got to 4th grade? Heck yeah! But now it's my home. I won't make anything harder, it's stressful enough for my parents and little sister to be doing so much work on the house without the help of my older sister and I while we're away at school most of the time, but it still makes me feel like mehhh.

But like I said earlier, I adapt to change. It's going to be crazy-weird not to have the neighbors I carol to every year. Crazy weird to not be within running distance of my church and high school. But I believe that home is where the heart is. Eventually I will have my own house that I will call my home, it's bound to happen eventually. Having two new houses to adapt to at once will be difficult, but if I am with the people I love, it is home.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find Out What it Means to Me

Hey everyone!

It's been a little over a month since I've blogged, but like I said at the beginning I am super busy and don't have a lot of spare time to sleep, let alone post a blog.

Today's topic: Respect.

I want to start off by saying that I can take a joke. People make fun of me all the time because apparently I have funny reactions. I can take a few jokes, I'm short, or I played that improv solo really funk in jazz band. I say stupid things and run into doors. Like, I'm your ideal person to make fun of. And that's okay, I like to laugh and usually laugh at myself along with everyone else.

But lately, a teacher of mine has been crossing the line. I won't go into details because I don't remember the exact wording of the jokes, but he has been critiquing the Catholic Church. I have already sent him an e-mail about it, explaining something that he obviously did not understand or care enough to research before talking about in class. That helped for one class period. Then, the Pope decided to step down and the jokes and all-out rants have taken up significant portions of class. I have a strict policy with myself where I don't let myself correct a teacher in class or really act aggressive. The teacher knows what they're doing, and I know how much hard work they put into their degree and job. Therefore, if something seems fishy I'll just look it up later and maybe ask them about it after class or something. This policy might change shortly, though.

If you're not Catholic, there's a high chance that...umm....you MIGHT NOT know everything about what we believe! Crazy thought, right? The funny thing I've noticed in this class is that when we talked about the Great Schism and Reformation (Martin Luther ring a bell? If not, go ahead and look it up), I've heard multiple people say things like, "This was a blow to the Catholic Church" or "The Catholic Church never really recovered from this." My response? You're an idiot.

The Catholic Church has defended every single attack (that is actually logical, you know those crazies are out there) that has been thrown at it. Martin Luther's theses? All fixed in the Council of Trent shortly afterwards. Have a question? Look it up! Like I said earlier, your chances of being wrong about something you don't know about is extremely high, regardless of your guessing abilities. Sorry, guys, that's just the way it is. The Catholic Church has this fun little book called the Catechism. You can even find it online! Handy-dandy, right? This book goes through several things that have been attacked in the past, gives the church's response, and EXPLAINS WHY that is the church's response. Recently, I've been told that I probably didn't learn about evolution and Charles Darwin in high school biology because Catholics don't believe in evolution. I informed this person that actually, I DID learn about evolution in my ADVANCED biology class, did this person know that Pope John Paul II issued a "Truth Cannot Contradict Truth" speech way back in 1996? Nope! Catholics believe in evolution, science backs it up, it makes sense. There's fossil evidence. I have absolutely no issues with evolution being taught in schools. It contradicts with the creation story in the Bible? Gasp! There's actually TWO creation stories in Genesis that contradict with each other, so don't try to pull that one on me. Catholics do not read the Bible literally, that's a Protestant thing. Although both are important, we care more about WHY something is in there rather than WHAT is in there physically.

That's just one of many examples. I typically shut my mouth when I see attack posts throughout my newsfeed. Religious people are anti-science? Interesting. We wouldn't have the electric motor without Catholics. Thanks, Br. Andrew Gordon, O.S.B.! How about Father Nicholas Copernicus? Heard of him? One of the great polymaths of the Renaissance, Copernicus was a Polish Catholic priest, mathematician, astronomer, jurist with a doctorate in law, physician, quadrilingual polyglot, classics scholar, translator, artist, governor, diplomat and economist (Catholic Memes). The Big Bang Theory was proposed by...Fr. Georges Lemaître. Genetics? Abbot Gregor Mendel, O.S.A. Friar Roger Bacon, O.F.M brought us the scientific method. Boom goes the dynamite!

Look it up before you post it. Seriously. You're just plain ignorant of what you're talking about, especially when they're sources for you out there that are easily accessible. If you want to know an answer and get totally philosophically owned/enlightened at the same time, I encourage you to check out some of St. Thomas Aquinas's writings. He was a beast. One of my favorite saints! Seriously, though, he was a genius.

Anyway, that's all for today. Hopefully my teacher stops being an ass and all of you are a little more informed on something you didn't know much about before. :)

Have a happy day!

~Gina

Who Am I?

Who am I? Who am I? 2-4-6-0-1.

This is the answer Jean Val Jean presents to the world when he takes a huge leap of faith. He has escaped this number, 24601, as his identity after serving 19 years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread for his starving nephew. He has become the mayor of a town in France, the owner of a large, successful factory; he has completely changed his life around after a Bishop let him steal/have lots of precious silver to help him turn his life around and dedicate it to God. He's risking it all when he goes to the courts and announces his former identity for all to hear, all to save an innocent man who authorities think is him, the escaped convict who abandoned his parole.

Now the question I've come across tonight is the same question. I don't have a big orchestra and fancy songwriters to back me up here, I actually don't even have much of a voice to sing or speak with currently. But this question popped into my head after I stormed out of a friend's room. I got up, packed my bag, and walked out of the room without saying anything besides "I'm going to the lounge.." I did this because I was being ignored.

Depending on how well you know me, you or may not know this about me. I don't typically just go out and say it, but sometimes my actions and feelings show when it happens. To some, I am a soft person, to others, I am super loud and energetic. Throughout my life, I have had a problem with being ignored. Both my sisters always get better grades than I do and both get loads more attention in what they excel in, band and choir. No matter how hard I try, I can never quite get the attention and praise that they get. I love them and all, but sometimes it would be nice to get some of that recognition. That's probably why I take on so many projects, so I can strive to be praised for something I'm good at. It's probably also why I loved tae kwon do so much, that's something I'm very good at naturally and something that is very individual. My instructor rarely gave out compliments, so when he gave you one or came to you to demonstrate a kick or definition of a form, it was a big deal. I'm pretty sure I remember each compliment I've ever gotten from him.

I'm getting off topic though, whoops! I've been thinking about who I truly am lately. If you look up the horoscope of a Leo, that's pretty much me. An entertainer, I love making people smile. Whether it be through my yodeling or dancing around in public with an iPod. I am passionate for the things I love: family, friends, music, God, history, politics. I love being around people, and enjoy each moment to the fullest. I love life!
But the bad traits in a Leo are also true. I get jealous easily, which is something I'm working at, and my temper can get bad. Luckily, I don't believe in astronomical stuff like horoscopes and so I'm just using this as an example, not a "I'm a Leo so that defines me" kind of thing. I've gotten better at overanalyzing things, letting things go, I can become friends with people who irritate me at first. I've found that I just have to make myself hang out with them more and then I eventually befriend them. But the thing most accurate about me is my temper. I never get mad, and I get along with most people. But once you push my buttons, you will be on my bad list. I will notice all the things about you that irk me. I will observe your every flaw. I will laugh at your attempts to befriend me. I will know what you say about me behind my back. But I won't treat you badly for it. That is both a pro and a con, I think. Every person deserves respect, and it is very VERY rare for me to be flat-out mean to someone. I actually can't think of the last time this happened. Seriously, I get peeved, but I don't do legit MEAN things to people. Just sly things to try and catch them off-guard.

This all sounds really awful, and makes me seem like a totally bad person. But it's my flaw. If I get mad, it's in short spurts. I usually contain it by going to my room and belting out music or distracting myself with friends. This keeps me calm, which is something I am easily able to do with all the activities I do. You can't be involved with students, teachers, politicians, musicians, authorities, and people of multiple intelligences without keeping a cool head. Nevertheless, today I stormed out of that room because of my flaw. I couldn't stand what was going on in front of me and I was being ignored. That was enough. But I felt bad about it a few minutes after I got out to the lounge. I sent some angry texts I shouldn't have sent, but the past is the past. As someone who specifically studies the past, this is something that is difficult to avoid. I'm working on it, though. I know it will take time, but eventually this flaw will shrink away and no longer be a part of who I am.

Have a lovely day! :)

Gina

Introduction & Best Friends

Today, I discovered that a good friend of mine started a blog, so I decided I'd try to start one too!

Hi, my name is Gina, I'm a social science education major and am a complete political and historical nerd :) I am going to be a high school history/social studies teacher after I get my degree in a few years, but also foresee a career in politics in my future. We'll see what happens!

Anyway, I'm starting this blog to get my thoughts down better. Because I am not just an education major, but a social science education major, I'm basically double-majoring and my workload drove me to the point of insanity last semester with a promise to do the same throughout this spring semester. Due to this amount of insane amounts of homework, reading, planning, working, brainstorming, and doing anything but sleeping, some of my posts could be completely random, or I honestly might have few, if any, posts at all until May. Again, we'll see how it goes.

I'm actually not 100% sure why I'm starting this blog. Maybe it's just to get my thoughts down, maybe it's my own little way to educate people who stumble upon it on the internet until I get to be a teacher. Maybe I just need time to write every now and then. Maybe one of my experiences or thoughts will make you think or help you with your life. That's my hope.

Today's topic is: Best friends.
I consider myself to be a pretty likeable person. The students I tutor seem to like me and gave me great reviews when I was their SI leader last semester (I lead supplemental instruction for an intro to government & politics class). In fact, since I've gotten to college in particular it has seemed like people are drawn to me. People I don't even know tend to know my name because of how involved I am. Even at a new school in a different state, I have easily been able to make a name for myself. I just love people! People rock! But lately it has occurred to me how rare it is for me to keep someone as a best friend for more than a few years. Let's look at the past:
(I've changed names for their privacy)
Pre-School: My 'best friend' and I went to different schools.
First Grade: I had two best friends, Jessie and Mark. They both transferred schools the next year, though I ended up going to high school with Mark and we've remained good friends.
Second Grade: I made two new best friends, Ashley and Joe. Ashley and I remained best friends until we later went to different high schools, and we kind of lost touch though we went to each others' graduation parties and are friends on facebook. Joe is one of those friends who also draws people to him. We've been friends since kindergarten and don't see each other a whole lot, but he has probably been my friend the longest outside of family. We have kept in touch through mutual friend group and youth group.
Freshman year: I tried to branch out a little to get away from some bullying in middle school. Left my group of friends to get to know more people. Because of this, I got to know and be friends with almost my entire grade but didn't really have a group of friends until I went back to my true group of friends sophomore year. My best friend this year was Michelle. We bonded as cheerleaders and a class we had together. She had the same passion for musical theater as I did and we always had a blast together. But then we didn't have classes together anymore and just didn't really see each other anymore. Then she transferred schools and got kinda wacky so I haven't heard from her in quite awhile and don't expect to anytime soon.
Sophomore year: By the way, when I say best friend I'm talking about people I can really be comfortable around and mutually enjoyed spending time with each other. This year was Amanda. Our friendship literally started when I got bored and told someone to text me via my facebook status. She texted me and then we started talking non-stop. I guess we kinda drifted apart after I dated a guy we both knew. I was going back to the group of friends that I now hold dear to me and regret ever leaving. She kinda joined the group later, but yeah, drifted after high school.
Junior Year: I have absolutely NO idea how I became friends with her, but this is the year I became friends with Tiffany. Seriously, we were always together. This friendship lasted through my freshman year of college, and kinda started to fade as I got busier and more involved at Northwest. We told each other everything and she is one of the few people I've been able to have long conversations with on the phone (I'm more of a texting person-I need emoticons or some form of expression to help me communicate). The fact that we were able to keep talking in different states was pretty impressive and shows how awesome our friendship was. We talked a bit over the summer, but then she deactivated her facebook, hasn't responded to my texts and I honestly have no idea what college she goes to. If our paths cross again, I'm sure we'll join back right where we left. But for now, I'm completely in the dark.

Now we get to college. I've heard that you change your group of friends every 7 years. I hate that. I absolutely love having someone to confide in, someone to listen to my problems, to let me cry on their shoulder or rant to, to have a buddy come get lunch with or go to a concert with. I always try to do the same for them. At Northwest, I've got six people I would probably consider to be best friends, or just people to have my back at all times. At the beginning of the semester I had two people I considered to be my absolute best friends. The shaky relationship with both of these people was the main reason why this semester stressed me out. On top of the workload and lack of sleep and constant sickness, I was battling emotions that I was losing them. I feel like I've been replaced, and I absolutely hate that. I'm a very independent person, but occassionally I need help. If I'm sick, procrastinating, or just can't focus because something is deeply troubling, I need people there to help me. With the falling back of some people I thought were my best friends, others have emerged to take their place. This always seems to be the case, which is good because my greatest fear is to be unloved and all alone. It's also bad, though, because I love people and hate that a person who was always there for me can suddenly drop out of my life indefinitely. I'm so afraid that eventually someone won't have my back. This is why I need reassurance that I'm important to people. When I don't get invited to things or I am ignored whenever I try to talk, I feel completely unimportant. Like I don't matter. Like people are getting bored with me. Is that why so many of the people I've considered to be close friends have dropped out of my life? Am I boring after awhile? Is it because I'm constantly thinking about history or politics? I know a lot of people don't particularly enjoy those subjects, but I try to withold myself from talking about it too much, especially with people who could care less. I don't know. Sometimes I feel clingy when I try to ask someone if they still consider me their best friend. Most people don't really think about it that often and are like, "Yeah, why wouldn't you be?" so I try to use little psychological tricks to figure it out, and that usually helps but I sometimes just need a straight-out answer. I'm sorry if I ever appear clingy to anyone, but I treasure each friendship I have and am terrified that I may not see you again after college (who knows where we're all going to end up or if you'll remember my name in five years, you know?). I try to enjoy each moment to the fullest. My friends and family mean everything to me. That's why this is so hard.

I don't know what else I need to say in this post, maybe writing this will help me become less terrified that I'll lose a friend. I know I'm busy and most of my friends are the same way. I think I've become a lot more chill with the fact that my friends at college are busy during breaks and my high school friends are busy during school. I'm getting better. It's a goal of mine in 2013 to worry less, hopefully I can do it! :) Have a lovely rest of your night!